I was watching this episode of Friends the other night and this scene made me laugh. So. HARD. Because I am Chandler, of course. It’s OK Chandler…goodbyes are tough.
But it got me thinking, why am I so Chandler? Or rather, it made me continue to think about something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. Why is it so hard to show vulnerability and be open, even with people we love and trust? And why is it even harder to ask for help? The simple and short answer is pride, I guess. For me, the fear of looking (or maybe just feeling) foolish often stops me from saying or doing what I really want to. And there’s the fear of completely giving away my secret thoughts/fears/emotions that I will never have back, only for me. It just makes me feel so icky and uncomfortable to share anything below surface level about myself. And I get nervous, and make dumb jokes and make others around me feel awkward too, I think.
I’m working on this. Or at least I’m going to start. I need to. To be honest, these past few years have not been the easiest. There have not been any major traumatic events in our lives (thankfully), but you know…life is just hard. If you’re reading this and you are a human, I’m sure you can relate. And I have come to the conclusion, that I obviously can’t continue on like this. It has taken its toll on me emotionally and even affected my health. I need to let people in a little more. I need to be more open. Just typing this is making my heart race a little.
So here it is…if you call yourself my friend, first thanks…and second, don’t be afraid to challenge me a little with a deeper question here or there. If you’re comfortable with it, that is. If I pretend like I didn’t hear you and then sprint away, please forgive me and try again another day. I’m going to leave it at that. And secretly hope that nobody reads this.
I am so grateful for friends that have already made it known that they are available for me any time, but in my own time and my own way. We all need people like that in our lives.
No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. – John Donne